Laura walked in the door with 8 plastic grocery bags all slung over her left arm. She needed the right arm free to unlock the apartment door. She hoisted the eggs and milk carefully onto the counter, and hurried to rub the lines imprinted onto her skin by the weight.
"I better hurry" she thought to herself, looking at her wrist watch as the lines faded.
Her husband, John, was still mad. At least he was when he left for work in the morning. He was sure to arrive home expecting the worst.
As she cooked dinner, Laura asked herself again, just to make sure: "Did I do anything wrong?" She examined the scenario in her imagination while slicing onions (trying not to cry).
"I probably should be crying" she nodded to herself. Her feelings were in a mess, she never intended to hurt anyone, and yet John had taken everything the wrong way.
*****
Have you ever felt like Laura?
3 Key factors to turn things around:
1) DO something nice for them. Often ACTIONS are easier at the beginning than words are. Instead of first trying to talk things out, simply show them how much you care about them by cooking a meal, or buying them a gift. You know your spouse best - what is it that they like?
Laura knows how much John enjoys a nice meal. This is her doorway to helping them begin anew.
2) Acknowledge their pain. Key phrases should underline the fact that they are hurting, and your recognition of it, and the fact that you "are sorry" that they were hurt. For example, Laura might say:
- I'm sorry you're hurting, John. I probably don't even understand how much.
- I never intended to cause you this pain, please forgive me, dear.
- If I could have avoided hurting you, I would have. I love you, John!
This is so much different from an attitude which says: "I didn't intend it, so get over it." Or: "It was a joke, so it shouldn't hurt." Or: "It wasn't my fault, so why are you mad?"
Even without having intended or done something evil, you may still have caused pain or doubt or struggle in your spouse.
3) Lastly, and this is also often forgotten, recognize that "being hurt" is not a choice. And getting beyond pain is also not a choice. John hasn't chosen to feel pain. It happened automatically. And he cannot just choose to stop hurting. He needs to hear her explain that she understands that it's also not "his fault" that he is hurting.
We cannot choose away our feelings; rather it's always a process that includes the choice to forgive and to do, and the feelings heal with time.
Misunderstandings, unintended actions and unavoidable choices, even good ones, can cause pain. The best couples are not those who never struggle, but those who are willing to work as a team to overcome these obstacles in an ongoing way.
*****
A good resource book for understanding what your spouses needs are:
The Five Love Languages ~ Gary Chapman (link)
No comments:
Post a Comment