How to Communicate your Pain without Hurting Your Spouse

One of the most common struggles I have found with couples is the fear of hurting each other. So they no longer talk.

Here's a key ingredient to overcoming that fear and getting back to sharing what matters most.

Here's the usual scenario:

I want to tell my spouse how I feel betrayed or hurt, but I am terrified of how they might react. What's more, I don't want to hurt them in return. So instead of telling them what's really going on, openly and honestly, I fester and ponder and wonder why they did what they did or said what they said, or didn't say or do something I was expecting.

But let's admit it, as soon as communication goes, so does that intimate bond, so does the possibility of being there for each other. And then even the simple details of life begin to become a bother or even a burden, simply because the line of communication is dead.


So here's a few steps to start again:

1) First. Consider exactly what you are experiencing. Try to describe your feelings in detail. Possibly writing things down. Be as objective as possible. Time, place, emotions you feel, fears you have, etc.

2) Secondly, invite your spouse to a moment of sharing. "There's something on my heart I would like to talk to you about. When is a good moment for us to share?" Don't try to barge in on them only when it's good for you, rather, make sure this becomes a moment of mutual desire and respect. If it cannot be soon schedule it together. (If your spouse is too busy to even schedule it - at least get them to commit to a moment to schedule it. e.g. "I'm too busy to even think about that right now!" Respond with: "Can we look quickly at the calendar together after dinner to find a relaxed moment to spend together, please?")

3) Thirdly, when you are finally together, begin with the positive! (Something along the lines of this game I described earlier). Or at least gratitude for this time together and a reaffirmation of the love you share for each other: "I'm so glad we have finally found time for each other. Thank you for making it happen. I truly hope we can be open and honest with each other, so that we can support each other like we used to so well."

4) Fourthly, and here'e the key, describe what you are experiencing in terms of how you feel - NOT in terms of what "they did to you".

YES: "I am not sure what you were going through last week, but I wanted to share how I have been feeling because of the situation."
NOT: "When you said X,Y,Z you really hurt me. What the heck were you thinking?"

Your feelings are always objective! In other words, the fact that you feel something, even if it's painful, is a truth that you can always share without attacking your spouse. Let them know about your struggles, and invite them in so that together you can find a solution.

5) Finally, it should be pretty obvious that in this exchange you should ask and allow your spouse to share the truth about what they were feeling. To acknowledge it, and to offer pardon and solutions to help them as well.


All couples struggle, but those who manage to weather the storms are those who continue to communicate openly and honestly. If that is currently missing in your relationship, commit to beginning again! You will soon learn to share without fear, and your intimate bond will often grow stronger precisely because of your struggles.